Thursday, August 30, 2012

Romantic Adventures in the Chinese House

When we last spoke with the defendant, she was in Taiwan. "Eating fruit," she alleges. There is then a suspicious gap in her culinary adventures. Are we to assume, then, that no such adventures were occurring?

No, sir. There were adventures occurring. 

Were there culinary adventures?

Of course. There are always culinary adventures.

Were they embarrassing?

What do you mean?

Is that why you have not reported nearly two years of culinary adventures? Do they embarrass you? Did you cook nasty things?

Everyone cooks nasty things.

Don't over-generalize, Madam.

I mean, sometimes. It happens. But that's not why. It's just that… that…

Please be honest.

They were romantic adventures.

I think the jury needs to hear the story behind such a claim. Please be brief, but thorough.

OK. I apologize if the culinary nature of these comments offends anyone's sensibilities. You see, I was in Taiwan, eating weird fruit, and beef noodles, and Domino's Pizza with curry chicken on it, and then all the sudden I found myself back in the United States, starting school again in the middle of the winter. It was disorienting. I didn't know what was going on. I moved back into the Chinese House (please reference earlier adventures for tales of the Chinese House) and found myself once again cooking dinner once every couple weeks for four charming girls and six ravenous boys. Only this time, one of the boys in particular was really ravenous. By that, I mean I cooked him chicken feet and he liked it.

Exhibit A. (The tricky thing about trying to cook chicken feet is that they grab your tongs back when you try to turn them. You only wish I was making that up.)

And what became of these chicken feet?

The boy in question - we'll call him Erick because that's his name - ate some. And his roommate Yao Ming (real name? You decide.) ate some because he's actually Chinese and that's how he rolls. And everyone else played with them and tapped each other on the shoulder with them and somehow … they ended up on the doorstep of the Japanese House? I don't go in for politics myself.

And you're saying the young man in question enjoys this type of thing?

He does go in for politics, yes.

And how are people supposed to survive when you feed them chicken feet?

Well, that's what the beef noodles* were for. Exhibit B.

Alright. Continue.

Well, he liked the chicken feet and he liked the beef noodles and so then I tried some chashaobao* on him at a Chinese New Year party. Chashaobao was super effective. And then at some point the culinary adventure turned into a romantic adventure and I found myself eating pupusas with him at the El Salvadorian restaurant on Center Street. Turns out pupusas are also super effective.

So the next culinary adventure was for his birthday. We told the three Chinese House guys who had birthdays coming up that we would make them cakes and asked which kind of cake they preferred. "I like tres leches cake," Erick said. "You are so in luck! I will totally make you a tres leches cake for your birthday!" I said, having never made a tres leches cake in my life.

But that's what the internet is for (lying to love interests), as we can tell from Exhibit C and Exhibit D, tres leches cake* was super effective. I added strawberries before the whipped cream on top, which I thought was a particularly tasty touch.

So you bribed this young man into a romantic relationship, using food?

Using Cous Cous and Chorba*, yes. (Exhibit E) And marshmallows covered in chocolate shaped like Domo Kun that I learned from Anna the Red's blog, but are marshmallows really a "food?" Be honest with yourself.

Regardless; no one suggested this might be a bad idea?

They might have, but their mouths were full.

And what was the outcome of this elaborate scheme of yours? This plot to entwine a poor young Chinese House student into your web of marshmallows and lies?

The outcome of Chinese House? It was super effective. He married me.


*email me for recipies. Oh, that I had the space to include them all!

No comments:

Post a Comment