Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Adventures in Processed Food

I'm a very healthy eater. Right? Yes. I'm very 養身, which is a word that Clark and Claudie taught me on the way to school yesterday when I was asking them about whether or not Taiwanese people eat whole wheat bread. They told me that 養身 people do, and then explained what that meant, and then asked how we say that in English and the closest I could come up with was "health nut." I told them that I like to be pretty 養身 myself. And then I went shopping when I got home that afternoon and decided that it was time to try all of the weird processed food I could find.

(How do you say "hypocrite" in Chinese?)

Here are the fruits of my discovery so far:

"Seaweed sushi" flavored Lay's. Yes!

I bought these because I really had to. "Lonely God potato twists." I mean, I at least wanted to know how lonely gods eat. I guess they graduated from angel food cake.

Let me tell you, though, if I'm ever a god I hope I have lots of friends because being a lonely god is disgusting!

I bought these not because they were extremely novel, but because their name was so awesome. "Qi duo-" sounds like "Cheeto," but it also means "really weird." I actually like how they taste, though; they're like American Cheetos with half the flavor.

I bought these next to the coughdrops. They're gummies, covered in crystally sugar, but they taste kind of minty... not like mint, more like ginseng, but with something that makes your mouth cold like mint. Would you like to know why mint makes your mouth feel cold? I thought so.

And some chewy fruit candies (yay for Asia and chewy fruit candies!) that are so sour they make your face cute.

Now this, my friends, is what we call "Don't go shopping if you're illiterate." Or at least hold out for items whose contents are clearly illustrated on the label. Because you think since you're in the candy section you're buying milk candy (huzzah for milk candy!) but instead you come home with calcium tablets. Oh well. I could probably use the calcium anyway. Sometimes I suck on them to remind myself of the ability of my mouth detect really weird tastes.

Truth in labeling... what do we think of this entry? If it contained actual offal, I actually wouldn't be all that surprised. (Let's just say one thing about Taiwanesse cuisine: It's a good thing I have 13 year olds who teach me the meaning of words like 大腸 before I go out to get lunch at the side of the road.) Turns out it only contains too-sweet chocolate, something crispy and the ubiquitous peanut cream.

OK, I'm sorry for ruining the nice Whole Foods Karma you had swirling around you. Let's take you back to some nice, wholesome whole foods to re-center your qi.

"We use everything but the cluck!"

And we'll cap things off with my dinner tonight, which was created from things I had in the fridge. Things I had in the fridge included day-old rice, green onions, eggs and Hokkaido Cream Stew roux. (I rejoice in Japanese things and I buy them out of sheer nostalgia)

I scrambled the egg, added a little salt and fried it in the bottom of the wok, and when it was done and in big pieces (I'm not so into eating the mealy or wet eggs that some people enjoy) I threw in the big-chopped green onions. When they had cooked a little, I added the rice and then some water and a cube of the cream stew roux. It turned out fantastic!

I accompanied it with a warm mug of bee pollen, which will either kill me or cure me (more on that another time), and a weird fruit that is best described as a very small honeydew melon. Except not sweet enough. But it's OK, baby, you're sweet enough.

Zai jiggity jian!


  1. I am not so sure about the me being sweet thing. However, I dispatched all my foes today instead of maiming them and letting them live as cripples, so I guess you could call that sweet.

  2. That is pretty sweet! That's what all the sweetest barbarians do. Like Attila - he could be a downright sweetheart. Some days.

  3. Please bring me back some of the ultra sour candy that makes my face cute!!