Agent 1275, we have disturbing reports coming in from our operatives. We need a good man to go in and confirm for us. We're hearing that . . . and these are just allegations, mind you, but we are hearing that the best Chinese food in the world might actually be found at a location in Sandy, Utah, in the United States. While this threatens the cultural supremacy of the most serene People's Republic of China, we can take comfort in the fact that it may just be more capitalist lies.
But we do need you to get in and on the ground and see what you can find.
Location: Szechuan Gardens, Sandy, Utah
Allegations: producing food better than that in the homeland
Recommendations: see if you can't get them to start serving crab rangoon. If worse comes to worse, see if you can't get them to sell the location to the P.F. Chang's franchise.
Looks like we've got some cow guts here. Affirmative. Digestive tract tissue of a ruminant, served in the classic Sichuan style. So spicy it'll fuse to your own digestive tract, but unnervingly delicious in spite of everything you know.
Well, we can take some comfort in the fact that they're serving that American staple, Wonton Soup. However, it still manages to be tasty in a way that threatens to undermine everything we hold sacred.
Oh no - they didn't break out the eggplant? They did. We've been trying to keep the Americans from discovering that eggplant are actually delicious. We've been succeeding on most fronts; keeping the vegetable offerings in most American restaurants to a minimum. We wouldn't want them to realize the true power of this cuisine, not with the instability of our plutonium supply. We just don't have than many secret weapons left.
What is that unearthly glow? It's, like, a ring of beneficent light emanating from that dish of fish fillet with pickles. Fortunately, Americans might still be dissuaded by the name - they might hesitate to order something that sounds like it's at all related to the horrors of the North countries. Let's keep them in the dark as long as we can - we must not under any circumstances let them know that Suan Cai Yu Pian is actually the current holder of the Mandate of Heaven.
Walnut shrimp . . . quick! Convince them it's a Utah salad creation! Stick it next to a jar of Miracle Whip. Perhaps they'll look the other way.
Duck? Oh no. They have our duck- looks like we've got the visuals to confirm it.
Look at what they've done - they're definitely using this in an unauthorized manner. They're consuming it all. We've got to get our troops in there somehow, to stop the carnage.
Not the . . . no! Not the cellophane noodles! Whatever you do?
How did they get their hands on these state secrets?
They've been reduced to absurdity. They're just reveling, aren't they? They laugh at their triumph!
This calls for some serious counterintelligence. I'm not sure what we can do, Agent 1275, but we need a plan. We've got to get this out of the hands of the Americans. Next thing we know they'll be training their troops on this stuff. Get in there, and get in there fast.